I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
