Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
