So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
