the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
