Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
