My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
