you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
