I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
