so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
