Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
