I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize