Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
