I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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