He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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