how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
