It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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