I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
