just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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