that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
