I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
