So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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