Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The police scanner is talking about you again....
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
