P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
