I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
