I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Drunk is not a location!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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