Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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