i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
