i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
