i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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