So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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