Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
