I wish I could teleport
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The beer is more important than you right now.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
