roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
