he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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