if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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