tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i need some magic done to my vagina
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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