In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
