did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize