When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
