you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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