The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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