When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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