Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
