My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize