a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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