if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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