im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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