i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
