i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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