At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize