I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
