Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
soo... how was my night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
