And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
