I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
