Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
my poor anus
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
