38 yer olds are good kisserssss
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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