Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize